Suburban Sasquatch can be summarized in one of its own lines: “Bigfoot? Out Here? Come on.”
Oof. This. One. Hurt.
Like… physically hurt. I swear I’m not being hyperbolic. This film had me keeled over and reevaluating the steps that brought me there.
All I can say is that the highs were high and the lows were in the void, which I nearly stepped off into while watching this movie. In a nutshell: A man in a terrible ape suit goes around the ‘burbs killing people.
A vaguely ethnic woman is a generational Sasquatch hunter with CGI arrows. Two inept cops trying to solve the case. A dumpy reporter tries to break the story wide open.
The first few Bigfoot attacks were absolutely hilarious, true gut-busters, before it became cumbersome and annoying. Then the movie continued for another hour and ten minutes.
- The cops almost always have their guns in hand. I thought it was an acting “choice” but I think they couldn’t afford holsters.
- The cops don’t have badges. They keep their handcuffs locked in a belt-loop. Because they also don’t have belts.
- I spent half the movie thinking Bigfoot could teleport because he kept fading away and disappearing. Turns out they were going for some sort of Predator-esque invisibility. But then Bigfoot teleports a bunch at the end. So I was sorta right.
- Lots of people being beaten with their own limbs.
- Muffy the dog is literally ripped in half.
- Any random character newly introduced is guaranteed to die within moments.
- Terrible sound, terrible acting, terrible effects.
- The two cops in the film are the only cops we ever see.
- Shot almost entirely at a… university or high school? Let’s meet in the middle and just say it was a community college.
- It’s revealed one of the cops relocated from across the country after a (the same?) Suburban sasquatch killed his wife.
- The very few people Bigfoot DOESN’T kill are women, and he takes them to his cave, where it’s heavily implied that he rapes his hostages.
- Everything else between the title and the credits.