The Secret of Victoria’s Ghosts

I recently, like I usually do once a month, had the pleasure of venturing into a Victoria’s Secret with my wife. I’m not sure if most guys enjoy browsing through lingerie in the presence of their partners. I know as a child it was awkward, but that’s before I could control what horny would become.

Almost every trip I’ve made inside The Secret there is always that one guy standing directly outside, leaning against the railing as if to silently protest his partner’s choice to look sexy for him. If smoking was legal indoors, he’d be smoking a cigarette, or maybe using the lighter to set himself aflame like a Rage Against the Machine Cover. Either way, he’s an idiot.


“I don’t want to go in there!”

In my opinion, shopping with my girl in Victoria’s Secret is a powerful journey into the abyss of bras, panties and soft-core posters for the public eye. Having a woman there with me is like having a free pass to be a creep and touch under garments. No one asks me if I need any help and no one feels weirded out and calls Mall Security. I feel like a ghost, the ghost, Patrick Swayze.


As I stare (not stalk, cuz we’re married) at my wife, she is usually distracted with her browsing and sale checking, leaving me free to roam, but not too far behind her. Any more than 10 feet behind and employee’s start asking, “What are you doing here?” So stay close.

Eventually you and your partner will stumble on an island of bras and/or panties. Let’s call it Bra Panty Island for the sake of this blog post. When you have breached Bra Panty Island there is usually a deal like 3 for $20 or 5 for $40. That’s how you know you’re there. Though the island may seem scarce at first, it is full of hidden gems inside. Explore. You’ll find the island is full of drawers like a dresser. This is the goldmine. Only explore the drawers you’re partner is looking through or drawers next to the one your partner is looking through. It is very important you stay close while on the island. You may try to envision yourself as a teenager again. Don’t act on it because you are in public and an adult. Remember the mantra, “Save it for later.”

Save it

Any Mantra Will Do

Finally, when your partner has showed you everything they are going to buy by displaying it over what they are wearing and everything checks out to be sexy and/or fun, you are ready to checkout. This is the important part: Don’t leave the store just yet. Make sure you wait in line with your partner. When your partner is about to pay for the items, make sure you say, “I got it,” and bust out your credit card (cash is weird now-a-days). This will show your partner you care and help to show the employees you are not a ghost after all. On your way out (optional) don’t forget to flip the guy off on fire with sexually frustrated rage against the machine.

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