Elves (1989)

Release Date
October 24, 1989
Runtime
1hr 29m
Rated
PG-13
Our Score
1.5

“Santa said Oral.” I was looking for a bad movie appropriate for Christmas and the holidays. What I experienced was basically a dream. It was a surreal, nonsensical series of images. It made ZERO sense.

First of all, the title itself was misleading. There are not multiple, plural, elveS. But one singular nazi “elf.”

In a nutshell, the plot revolves around a Nazi experiment to create a super race. This super race the Nazis create is a greasy, hairless, slack-jawed puppet. In a mall department store. During Christmas.

The current mall Santa is a young, cocaine-fueled lech who becomes the first victim after the “Elf” stabs Santa repeatedly in the dick and balls. Yes, that’s right, Cocaine Santa is stabbed to death in the dick. SO BADLY, his dick is stabbed, that he coughs up blood.

Enter Dan Haggerty, our “hero”. He sports a look perfect for the new Santa: Long hair, beard, portly, rosy cheeks… but he never actually “becomes” the Santa, wears the suit, or anything even though the film summary states he is the “renegade loose-cannon Santa.”

Notable Quotes

Quotes:

 “Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis.”

“You’ve got big fucking tits, and I’m telling everyone I saw them”

“My cat is the only friend I have left.”

“Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!”

“Gramps is a Nazi.”

THE GOOD:
The dick-stabbing is pretty hilarious, but that’s really it. They DO leave a police tape outline of the dude’s body in the mall for the rest of the movie. They missed an opportunity with having a Santa cap outlined with the body.

THE BAD:
Everything. Really. There is no redeeming factor in this film.

Do. Not. Recommend.

B-MOVIE PUPPETRY2.4
ACTUAL NUMBER OF ELVES0.1
HOW MUCH HAGGERTY SLEEPWALKS THROUGH HIS SCENES7.3
INAPPROPRIATE 1980'S INCEST4
CIGARETTES CHAINSMOKED BY DAN HAGGERTY5.7
1.5

Watch the trailer for Elves (1989):


MBC

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