Elves (1989)

Elves (1989)
B-Movie Puppetry2.4
actual number of elves 0.1
How much Dan Haggerty sleepwalks through his scenes7.3
inappropriate 80's incest4
Cigarettes chainsmoked by Dan Haggerty5.7
1.5Overall Score

Elves (1989)

“Santa said Oral.” I was looking for a bad movie appropriate for Christmas and the holidays. What I experienced was basically a dream. It was a surreal, nonsensical series of images. It made ZERO sense.

First of all, the title itself was misleading. There are not multiple, plural, elveS. But one singular nazi “elf.”

In a nutshell, the plot revolves around a Nazi experiment to create a super race. This super race the Nazis create is a greasy, hairless, slack-jawed puppet. In a mall department store. During Christmas. The current mall Santa is a young, cocaine-fueled lech who becomes the first victim after the “Elf” stabs Santa repeatedly in the dick and balls. Yes, that’s right, Cocaine Santa is stabbed to death in the dick. SO BADLY, his dick is stabbed, that he coughs up blood.

Enter Dan Haggerty, our “hero”. He sports a look perfect for the new Santa: Long hair, beard, portly, rosy cheeks… but he never actually “becomes” the Santa, wears the suit, or anything even though the film summary states he is the “renegade loose-cannon Santa.”

Notable Quotes:

 “Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis.”

“You’ve got big fucking tits, and I’m telling everyone I saw them”

“My cat is the only friend I have left.”

“Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!”

“Gramps is a Nazi.”

THE GOOD:
The dick-stabbing is pretty hilarious, but that’s really it. They DO leave a police tape outline of the dude’s body in the mall for the rest of the movie. They missed an opportunity with having a Santa cap outlined with the body.

THE BAD:
Everything. Really. There is no redeeming factor in this film.

Do. Not. Recommend.


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About The Author

bear

BEAR never met his real dad and was forced to be his own father figure. He spent his time as a child grounding himself or disappointing himself when he missed his t-ball games that he promised himself he would definitely be there for this time. He beat himself up often, metaphorically and literally, so C.P.S. came and took him away from himself. At this point BEAR discovered that he could see in the dark, but only if he spent several minutes letting his eyes adjust first. BEAR is also a Capricorn and loves long crabwalks on the beach.

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