Suburban Sasquatch (2008) –

Release Date
2008
Our Score
1.5

Suburban Sasquatch can be summarized in one of its own lines: “Bigfoot? Out Here? Come on.”

Oof. This. One. Hurt.

Like… physically hurt. I swear I’m not being hyperbolic. This film had me keeled over and reevaluating the steps that brought me there.

All I can say is that the highs were high and the lows were in the void, which I nearly stepped off into while watching this movie. In a nutshell: A man in a terrible ape suit goes around the ‘burbs killing people.

A vaguely ethnic woman is a generational Sasquatch hunter with CGI arrows. Two inept cops trying to solve the case. A dumpy reporter tries to break the story wide open.

The first few Bigfoot attacks were absolutely hilarious, true gut-busters, before it became cumbersome and annoying. Then the movie continued for another hour and ten minutes.

Notable Moments

  • The cops almost always have their guns in hand. I thought it was an acting “choice” but I think they couldn’t afford holsters. 
  • The cops don’t have badges.  They keep their handcuffs locked in a belt-loop. Because they also don’t have belts.
  • I spent half the movie thinking Bigfoot could teleport because he kept fading away and disappearing. Turns out they were going for some sort of Predator-esque invisibility. But then Bigfoot teleports a bunch at the end. So I was sorta right. 
  • Lots of people being beaten with their own limbs.
  • Muffy the dog is literally ripped in half. 
Suburban Sasquatch
A fisherman is knocked out cold in a river when Bigfoot throws an arm at him.
Suburban Sasquatch
  • Any random character newly introduced is guaranteed to die within moments. 
  • Terrible sound, terrible acting, terrible effects. 
  • The two cops in the film are the only cops we ever see. 
  • Shot almost entirely at a… university or high school? Let’s meet in the middle and just say it was a community college.
  • It’s revealed one of the cops relocated from across the country after a (the same?) Suburban sasquatch killed his wife. 
  • The very few people Bigfoot DOESN’T kill are women, and he takes them to his cave, where it’s heavily implied that he rapes his hostages.
  • Everything else between the title and the credits.
POSSIBILITY THIS IS A PERSONAL FETISH VIDEO6.5
LIKELIHOOD A NEW CHARACTER WILL DIE IMMEDIATELY7.9
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS6
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS INDUCING4.7
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE (SOLO)0.3
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE (SUPPORT GROUP)6.6
1.5

Watch the trailer for Suburban Sasquatch (2008):


 

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