Suburban Sasquatch can be summarized in one of its own lines: “Bigfoot? Out Here? Come on.”
Oof. This. One. Hurt.
Like… physically hurt. I swear I’m not being hyperbolic. This film had me keeled over and reevaluating the steps that brought me there.
All I can say is that the highs were high and the lows were in the void, which I nearly stepped off into while watching this movie. In a nutshell: A man in a terrible ape suit goes around the ‘burbs killing people.
A vaguely ethnic woman is a generational Sasquatch hunter with CGI arrows. Two inept cops trying to solve the case. A dumpy reporter tries to break the story wide open.
The first few Bigfoot attacks were absolutely hilarious, true gut-busters, before it became cumbersome and annoying. Then the movie continued for another hour and ten minutes.
The cops almost always have their guns in hand. I thought it was an acting “choice” but I think they couldn’t afford holsters.
The cops don’t have badges. They keep their handcuffs locked in a belt-loop. Because they also don’t have belts.
I spent half the movie thinking Bigfoot could teleport because he kept fading away and disappearing. Turns out they were going for some sort of Predator-esque invisibility. But then Bigfoot teleports a bunch at the end. So I was sorta right.
Lots of people being beaten with their own limbs.
Muffy the dog is literally ripped in half.
Any random character newly introduced is guaranteed to die within moments.