Suburban Sasquatch (2008)

Suburban Sasquatch (2008)
Possibility this is actually a personal fetish video6.5
Likelihood a new character will die immediately 7.9
unanswered questions6
existential crisis inducing4.7
Entertainment Value (Solo)1.4
Entertainment Value (Support Group)4.4
2Overall Score

Suburban Sasquatch (2008)

“Bigfoot? Out Here? Come on.”

Oof. This. One. Hurt.

All I can say is that the highs were high and the lows were in the void, which I nearly stepped off into while watching this movie. In a nutshell: A man in a terrible ape suit goes around the ‘burbs killing people. A vaguely ethnic woman is a generational Sasquatch hunter with CGI arrows. Two inept cops trying to solve the case. A dumpy reporter tries to break the story wide open. The first few Bigfoot attacks were absolutely hilarious, true gut-busters, before it became cumbersome and annoying. Then the movie went on for another hour and ten minutes. 

    • The cops almost always have their guns in hand. I thought it was an acting “choice” but I think they couldn’t afford holsters. 
    • The cops don’t have badges.  They keep their handcuffs locked in a belt-loop. Because they also don’t have belts.
    • I spent half the movie thinking Bigfoot could teleport because he kept fading away and disappearing. Turns out they were going for some sort of Predator-esque invisibility. But then Bigfoot teleports a bunch at the end. So I was sorta right. 
    • Lots of people being beaten with their own limbs.
    • Muffy the dog is literally ripped in half. 

      A fisherman is knocked out cold in a river when Bigfoot throws an arm at him.

Then two scenes later, after over five minutes of screen time, he reawakens FACE DOWN IN THE WATER

  • Any random character newly introduced is guaranteed to die within moments. 
  • Terrible sound, terrible acting, terrible effects. 
  • The two cops in the film are the only cops we ever see. 
  • Shot almost entirely at a… university or high school? Let’s meet in the middle and just say it was a community college.
  • It’s revealed one of the cops relocated from across the country after a (the same?) Suburban sasquatch killed his wife. 
  • The very few people Bigfoot DOESN’T kill are women, and he takes them to his cave, where it’s heavily implied that he rapes his hostages.
  • Everything else between the title and the credits.


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About The Author

bear

BEAR never met his real dad and was forced to be his own father figure. He spent his time as a child grounding himself or disappointing himself when he missed his t-ball games that he promised himself he would definitely be there for this time. He beat himself up often, metaphorically and literally, so C.P.S. came and took him away from himself. At this point BEAR discovered that he could see in the dark, but only if he spent several minutes letting his eyes adjust first. BEAR is also a Capricorn and loves long crabwalks on the beach.

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