Funspiracy Theories

My gun-toting conspiracy theorist next-door neighbor approached me while I did yard work and proceeded to ramble for fifteen minutes. He informed me that, believe it or not,  there’s another conspiracy theory out there, this time regarding the Sandy Hook shootings at Newton Connecticut. He called himself a “Sandy Hook Truther” and spent his time regurgitating all the “facts” he got from a YouTube video. I nodded noncommittally and kept my rake close in case I needed defense.

My generation is skeptical and I consider myself a skeptic, but I don’t understand how some skeptics can be so skeptical of some things but so stupidly willing to believe the craziest things. My person skepticism runs so deep that I’m skeptical of other skeptics.

But did you know there are other conspiracy theories taking hold of the public?

  • Abraham Lincoln was really James Madison on Martin Van Buren’s shoulders.
  • There’s no difference between its and it’s.
  • Geysers are just the Earth sneezing.
  • Kevin Bacon is not acting. Every “movie” is just a moment in Kevin Bacon’s real life caught on film.
  • Not only have we been to the moon, but NASA killed all the native moonpeople dwelling in its core.
  • Chem trails are airplane farts.
  • AIDS originally stood for Awesome Internal Dieting System.
  • All roads DO NOT lead to Rome.
  • Stargates are not real, however Starfences are.
  • Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars.
  • The Bible is completely literal and not metaphorical.
  • Without the fluoride in tap water our teeth would fall out.
  • Heroin is not addicting.
  • Aliens exist but are actually vampires.
  • The belief there is no such thing as Holocaust Denial is called Holocaust Denial Denial.
  • The cure for cancer is AIDS.
  • The sound of thunder is just God bowling in heaven.
  • Homelessness is a secret society containing the smartest people on Earth.
  • Man did not evolve from apes, apes evolved from man.
  • The Secret totally works.
  • The Mel Gibson film “Conspiracy Theory” was really a documentary.
  • Stephen King killed John Lennon.
  • White people were created in a lab.
  • Pandas are mulatto bears.
MBC

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