Bear here, struggling to make ends meet in this tough economy and find a job in a competitive workforce. It’s times like these that one is forced to get creative in order to feed one’s cats. Like a mother who puts her children first, sometimes one has to “whore” themselves out or use “different” methods in order to support those who depend on him/her.
And so I take a little tip from a website called fiverr.com where people list the services they’re willing to perform for five dollars. Whereas most people specialize in one little area, I have an extensive list of skills and abilities which you can take advantage of.
For $5 I will:
- Drop it like it’s hot.
- Rip a phone book in half.
- Verbally confront anybody of your choosing.
- Let you touch my butt.
- Clean your bathroom (you supply cleaning materials)
- Write a blog post about the things I’ll do for $5
- Walk your cats.
- Listen to your rambling one-sided conversation and react accordingly as if I care.
- Catfish someone of your choosing online.
- Do your school-grade children’s homework (with my non-dominant hand)
- Sync music to your unborn baby’s heartbeat.
- Kill myself.
- Call and leave a non-personalized birthday message in the voice of Jimmy Stewart’s ghost.
- Draw you a picture of anything I want.
- Let you buy me a pack of smokes.
- Give your cat a massage.
- Offer unconstructive criticism of your script/screenplay.]
- Eat a block of cheese.
- Send you a hand-written love letter.
- Act out one side of the Roddy Piper/Keith David fight scene from John Carpenter’s classic “They Live.”
- Sacrilege the name of Christ.
- Make 5 minutes worth of mouthfarts.
- Be your boyfriend on Facebook for one week.
- Make a “Harlem Shake” video.
- Shave.
- Meow occasionally.
- Diagnose your illness.
- Exorcise a possessed body.
- Watch a Jason Biggs movie.
- Pretend a doughnut is a bagel.
- Give you bad financial advice.
- Eat baby corn as if it’s full-sized corn.
- Pierce your nipples.
- Interpret your dreams.
- Recommend 10 movies for you to never watch.
- Divide any number by zero
- See if the “Bloody Mary” mirror myth is true.
- Blow into a dysfunctional Nintendo cartridge.
- Adopt a highway.
- Boil some eggs.
- Chunkydunk instead of skinnydip.
- Yodel.
