Things I’ll Do For $5


Bear here, struggling to make ends meet in this tough economy and find a job in a competitive workforce. It’s times like these that one is forced to get creative in order to feed one’s cats. Like a mother who puts her children first, sometimes one has to “whore” themselves out or use “different” methods in order to support those who depend on him/her.

And so I take a little tip from a website called where people list the services they’re willing to perform for five dollars. Whereas most people specialize in one little area, I have an extensive list of skills and abilities which you can take advantage of.

For $5 I will:

  • Drop it like it’s hot.
  • Rip a phone book in half.
  • Verbally confront anybody of your choosing.
  • Let you touch my butt.
  • Clean your bathroom (you supply cleaning materials)
  • Write a blog post about the things I’ll do for $5
  • Walk your cats.
  • Listen to your rambling one-sided conversation and react accordingly as if I care.
  • Catfish someone of your choosing online.
  • Do your school-grade children’s homework (with my non-dominant hand)
  • Sync music to your unborn baby’s heartbeat.
  • Kill myself.
  • Call and leave a non-personalized birthday message in the voice of Jimmy Stewart’s ghost.
  • Draw you a picture of anything I want.
  • Let you buy me a pack of smokes.
  • Give your cat a massage.
  • Offer unconstructive criticism of your script/screenplay.]
  • Eat a block of cheese.
  • Send you a hand-written love letter.
  • Act out one side of the Roddy Piper/Keith David fight scene from John Carpenter’s classic “They Live.”
  • Sacrilege the name of Christ.
  • Make 5 minutes worth of mouthfarts.
  • Be your boyfriend on Facebook for one week.
  • Make a “Harlem Shake” video.
  • Shave.
  • Meow occasionally.
  • Diagnose your illness.
  • Exorcise a possessed body.
  • Watch a Jason Biggs movie.
  • Pretend a doughnut is a bagel.
  • Give you bad financial advice.
  • Eat baby corn as if it’s full-sized corn.
  • Pierce your nipples.
  • Interpret your dreams.
  • Recommend 10 movies for you to never watch.
  • Divide any number by zero
  • See if the “Bloody Mary” mirror myth is true.
  • Blow into a dysfunctional Nintendo cartridge.
  • Adopt a highway.
  • Boil some eggs.
  • Chunkydunk instead of skinnydip.
  • Yodel.
See Also
The Onion’s “Cuntroversy”