Things I’ll Do For $5


Bear here, struggling to make ends meet in this tough economy and find a job in a competitive workforce. It’s times like these that one is forced to get creative in order to feed one’s cats. Like a mother who puts her children first, sometimes one has to “whore” themselves out or use “different” methods in order to support those who depend on him/her.

And so I take a little tip from a website called where people list the services they’re willing to perform for five dollars. Whereas most people specialize in one little area, I have an extensive list of skills and abilities which you can take advantage of.

For $5 I will:

  • Drop it like it’s hot.
  • Rip a phone book in half.
  • Verbally confront anybody of your choosing.
  • Let you touch my butt.
  • Clean your bathroom (you supply cleaning materials)
  • Write a blog post about the things I’ll do for $5
  • Walk your cats.
  • Listen to your rambling one-sided conversation and react accordingly as if I care.
  • Catfish someone of your choosing online.
  • Do your school-grade children’s homework (with my non-dominant hand)
  • Sync music to your unborn baby’s heartbeat.
  • Kill myself.
  • Call and leave a non-personalized birthday message in the voice of Jimmy Stewart’s ghost.
  • Draw you a picture of anything I want.
  • Let you buy me a pack of smokes.
  • Give your cat a massage.
  • Offer unconstructive criticism of your script/screenplay.]
  • Eat a block of cheese.
  • Send you a hand-written love letter.
  • Act out one side of the Roddy Piper/Keith David fight scene from John Carpenter’s classic “They Live.”
  • Sacrilege the name of Christ.
  • Make 5 minutes worth of mouthfarts.
  • Be your boyfriend on Facebook for one week.
  • Make a “Harlem Shake” video.
  • Shave.
  • Meow occasionally.
  • Diagnose your illness.
  • Exorcise a possessed body.
  • Watch a Jason Biggs movie.
  • Pretend a doughnut is a bagel.
  • Give you bad financial advice.
  • Eat baby corn as if it’s full-sized corn.
  • Pierce your nipples.
  • Interpret your dreams.
  • Recommend 10 movies for you to never watch.
  • Divide any number by zero
  • See if the “Bloody Mary” mirror myth is true.
  • Blow into a dysfunctional Nintendo cartridge.
  • Adopt a highway.
  • Boil some eggs.
  • Chunkydunk instead of skinnydip.
  • Yodel.
Mousebear Comedy is just a couple dudes hiding behind an anthropomorphic mouse and bear in order to purge our shadow through webstuff.

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About The Author


BEAR never met his real dad and was forced to be his own father figure. He spent his time as a child grounding himself or disappointing himself when he missed his t-ball games that he promised himself he would definitely be there for this time. He beat himself up often, metaphorically and literally, so C.P.S. came and took him away from himself. At this point BEAR discovered that he could see in the dark, but only if he spent several minutes letting his eyes adjust first. BEAR is also a Capricorn and loves long crabwalks on the beach.

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One Response

  1. yPo53Ph

    What a lovely weblog. I will surely be back once again. Please sustain writing!


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